As my no fly date keeps getting closer, I've been really struggling with the decision we made for me to come back to the states. There are sooooo many nights that I feel like calling Hubby and asking him to book me the first flight back to Italy.
Life isn't bad. I enjoy the times I get to hang out with family, going to the pool, getting Baby-A's nursery stuff done (things I couldn't have accomplished in Italy because the stores just aren't there).
It's just that I miss Hubby so much. No matter how busy I am, or who is with me, nothing fills the void. Every kick and movement from Baby-A makes me think of Hubby...and she kicks ALL THE TIME. Being a wash of pregnant hormones doesn't help either.
I use to have a saying, "No reserves, no retreat, no regrets." It was so much easier to live when my heart wasn't involved. Now that half of my heart is in Italy...I'm at a loss on how to get back to this.
On paper, our decision to send me to the states was the best, but trying to remind myself of this, nearly a million times a day, just isn't cutting it.
Maybe when Baby-A comes, I'll be so wrapped up in taking care of her that I will have less time to think and I'll just run on autopilot. Maybe my labor experience will be so great that I will KNOW this was the perfect decision.
But for now, I'm going to set my motto aside and borrow Dory's from Finding Nemo.
"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."